And where to start. Obviously I wouldnt be writing if I wasnt having a pity party. I am. Im all over the map. I started emdr….which of course I was warned not to stop in the middle….but I need support. Not like, I personally need the support because Idc,my therapist is pretty adamant. My support kind of just fell apart. Or was it even there to begin with? So Im done now but helloooo insomnia, panic attacks and purging disorder…but uh by the by Ive lost 6 lbs so Im counting that as a win.

I don’t know. When I left Jamie I didn’t really know where I wanted to go. I wasn’t being beaten. Or raped. Life was good. I fell in love with Shaun. So much. More than I had any man. But the way he treated me around other women….was and is shit. And at first I questioned myself….was it jealousy? Ive come to realize it has nothing to do with jealousy. It has to do with a major part in our relationship that I need.

PASSION. DESIRE.

Fuck Id give anything for him to throw me up against a wall and grab me and hold me while he fucks me because he just has to have me. But alas….he does not feel that way. But…. so many men DO. Why am I having threesome after threesome after threesome where I’ve wanted to walk away from legit 90% of them. Yes. Its gotten better. But I had to beg for that to happen. How fucking pathetic am I? When I could be having sex with men that want me. I need it. I find myself craving it and it consuming my thoughts.

We are so perfect in every way. Except this. I cant make any more concessions. I masturbate constantly but the thought of him throwing me a bone and having sex with me out of obligation dries my pussy up faster than…fuck i dont even know what. Hes ignoring me. Which tells me he just doesnt care. So maybe its just all in my head that he will get mad if I open this up for solo.

I need it. I want a man to want to fuck me. Need to fuck me. I just…..don’t care anymore that he doesn’t want me in that way

And Ive made up my mind that I am doing this, with his blessing. Of course. I wont ever lie. But man do I need to get railed. Like…..an all nighter. By someone who really wants to. Aimee said she would take him to the club so.. lets see how he feels. I hope he is on board because I won’t live the reat of my life with no passion. Fuck no.

I have no idea what Im doing. I just need to write.

My abuse started, well in infancy. Sexual. My first memory of it I was about 2. The sexual abuse finally stopped when I was 39. Of course, it wasn’t the same man. There was also a lot of physical, emotional and psychological abuse thrown in there as well. I start emdr therapy on tuesday. We’ll see how that goes I suppose.

I’m a mom to 3. One of my children is palliative but you’ll learn about her in my upcoming posts. I need to get this out. Its literally killing me from the inside. I don’t know how I will start…it will likely be a jumbled mess of memories. But maybe somewhere in there will be some healing.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton